When Children Know: Navigating Surrogacy, Truth, and Relationships Over Time

As many of you know, I have been a surrogate four times throughout my life. That sentence alone carries a lifetime of stories, relationships, emotions, and questions with some already answered, and many still unfolding.

What people don’t always realize is that no two surrogacy journeys look the same, especially when it comes to what happens after. The pregnancies may end, but the relationships don’t always follow a neat or predictable path, and when children are part of that story, the questions evolve alongside them. There are no instruction manuals to guide the ‘after’ part of a surrogacy journey for either surrogates or intended parents - it’s learn as you go!

My first two surrogacies were for a same-sex couple in Ireland and their children know that I exist along with the egg donor that help created them. We haven’t seen each other in person since their little girl was born, and that’s perfectly okay with all of us. Our relationship was meaningful, loving, and complete in the way it needed to be. Distance didn’t diminish the intention, the respect, or the care we have for one another. It simply shaped how our connection looks as the future unfolds.

My third journey was very different.

Those intended parents live about 45 minutes from my family, and we have been incredibly close ever since their oldest daughter was born through surrogacy. Their little girl is not so little anymore and her age feels almost impossible. Time moves fast when love is involved, and in one of those beautiful, unexpected twists that life sometimes offers, she now has a younger sister who was not born through surrogacy. Miracles do happen.

Our families are intertwined. We talk almost every day and we celebrate milestones, both big and small, together. We show up for each other all the time and truly value the connection that we have built. This isn’t a long-distance story or an abstract connection, it’s real, present, and deeply human in every way. 

That’s where the questions start to shift and the experience starts down a different path from my previous journeys.

My intended mom and I have had many conversations about telling her daughters how I fit into their life:

How do we tell the girls that one of them I carried and one of them she carried?
Where do we even begin?
How do we phrase it so both girls feel equally loved, equally chosen, equally cherished?

There isn’t a script for this, no step-by-step guide, and no “right age” stamped on a calendar to broach this delicate subject. Right now, we don’t have all the answers, and maybe that’s okay because what we do have is intention, thoughtfulness, and a shared commitment to protecting both girls’ hearts as they grow into their own understanding of their individual stories.

As the girls get older, we’ll figure it out together. Slowly and carefully, with honesty and love leading the way.

Recently, another thought surfaced - one I hadn’t really considered before.

How will I feel when this little girl knows I carried her and that she grew in my belly?

This isn’t a situation, as with my previous journeys, where I’m a distant name or a story from long ago. I’m a fixture in her life, our families are close, and we share space, memories, and celebrations. So when that information is shared, when the story becomes something she consciously understands, how does that shift our relationship, if at all?

I don’t know the answer.

I don’t know how it will feel for her, I don’t know how it will feel for me, and I don’t know what questions may arise that we haven’t even thought to ask yet. This will be a first for all of us, and as we navigate this new part of the journey together, we will stay open to what may come.

Living in the Unknown—Together

Surrogacy is often discussed in terms of pregnancy, contracts, and timelines, but no one talks about the long game - the after. The part that unfolds quietly over years and asks us to stay flexible, humble, and open to learning as we go.

Maybe that’s the heart of it: surrogacy isn’t just about creating life, it’s about honouring the relationships that come with it, during the pregnancy and long after the birth story ends. It asks us to stay open, flexible, and willing to grow alongside the families we help build. If you’re a woman quietly wondering whether surrogacy might be part of your story, know that you don’t have to navigate those questions alone. At Embrace Surrogacy, we’re here to offer honest guidance, lived experience, and steady support throughout the entire journey and beyond.

When the day comes and the girls know their full story, I’ll share how it goes. I’ll share how it feels, what surprised us, and how our relationship continues to evolve, because these stories matter, and honesty, even when it comes with uncertainty, is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves and to those that we care about. 

If you’re considering surrogacy, living in the middle of it, or navigating the “after,” know this: it’s okay not to have all the answers yet. Love has a way of guiding us when we are willing to listen.

And sometimes, the most meaningful journeys are the ones that keep unfolding.