Communication in Surrogacy: Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say
If there is one thing I have learned in over a decade of walking alongside surrogates and intended parents, it’s this: communication can make or break a journey. Surrogacy is built on trust and trust is built on strong, open and honest communication.
I once had to gently help repair a connection between an intended mother and a surrogate simply because of a communication mismatch. There was no betrayal, no conflict and no dramatic falling out. Just… misalignment.
The intended mother was in her 50s and the surrogate was in her 20s. The intended mother preferred phone calls because that was her comfort zone. She rarely texted, and if she did, it was short and to the point. The surrogate was the complete opposite. She avoided phone calls whenever possible and communicated beautifully through long, thoughtful text messages.
Neither of them were wrong. They just spoke different “languages”, which almost caused their journey to unraveled - not because they didn’t care, but because they were literally talking different languages expecting the other to understand. When the surrogate would send a lengthy text and only receive an ‘okay’ as a response time and again, the relationship started to get strained and the surrogate didn’t feel like her intended mother cared about her. It wasn’t that the intended mother didn’t care, she absolutely did care, she just wasn’t fluent in text messaging, so ‘okay’ was the best she could do. Once the root of the problem was figured out, they were able to meet each other in the middle, speak a similar language and know that each was trying their best and each one cared so deeply about the other. A translator was no longer needed.
That experience reinforced something I already deeply believed: communication isn’t just about what we say. It’s about how we say it, and just as importantly, how it is received.
In my past life, I was trained and certified in Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP). NLP explores how our brains process information, and how that shapes how we communicate, interpret, and move through the world. One concept in particular has had a profound impact on me, both personally and professionally.
Literal vs. inferred communication.
Some people speak literally and others imply meaning and expect it to be understood. On the flip side, some people perceive what’s said literally and others can ‘read between the lines’. Years ago, when my oldest child was little, I remember a specific incident that truly showed how different we communicated. One morning, I said to him “It might be a good idea for you to pick up your toys so the cats don’t steal them.” and he responded with ‘okay’.
In my mind, I had clearly asked him to pick up his toys, so a few hours later, when the toys had not moved, I was frustrated with my son and said to him, “Why haven’t you picked up your toys like I asked you to?”
In my mind, I had clearly asked my son to pick up his toys, so a little while later, when the toys were still everywhere, I was frustrated with my son and said to my son, “Why haven’t you picked up your toys like I asked you to?”
His response stopped me in my tracks. “You never asked me to pick up my toys” he said with such confidence.
I was milliseconds away from arguing with him that I clearly remember asking him to pick up his toys and he even responded, when I realized that he was absolutely right. I had implied it, I had inferred it, and I had even given him a reason why he should pick up his toys, but I had never actually said the phrase ‘please pick up your toys.’
That moment changed my parenting — and honestly, it changed how I communicate in every relationship, including business.
Now I try very hard to say what I mean. If I want something, I ask directly and if something matters, I state it clearly because if I’m speaking to someone who processes information literally, I want the message to land the way I intend it to.
So I’ll ask you the same question I often ask the families and surrogates I work with:
Are you someone who says, “Please pick up your toys?” or are you someone who says, “It might be a good idea…” and hopes the meaning is understood? Neither is wrong and knowing which one you are, and which one the other person is, can change everything.
Why This Matters in Surrogacy
In surrogacy, emotions are heightened, expectations are layered, and everyone is navigating something deeply personal. If an intended parent says, “We would love updates when you can,” but internally they are hoping for daily check-ins, they can be very disappointed if the the surrogate interpreted their message literally and sends updates only once a week. If a surrogate says, “I’m feeling a bit tired,” but what she really means is, “I need more support,” and that isn’t heard clearly, she can begin to feel unseen.
Small communication gaps, left unattended, can grow into resentment and distance within relationships, but when both sides are encouraged to speak clearly, and to check for understanding, the entire journey becomes steadier and easier. This is something we actively support at Embrace Surrogacy. We don’t just match people.- we help them learn how to communicate with one another in a way that feels safe, respectful, and clear, not only to feel heard, but also to get their own needs met.
This concept doesn’t just apply to families, Embrace Surrogacy is run as a partnership, and partnerships require a completely different level of intentional communication than a business run by a single person.
Different strengths, different thought processes, and different decision-making styles all play a part in working together for success. If there is miscommunication, or worse a lack of communication, it can impact everything from client satisfaction to the foundational operations of the business. Understanding literal versus inferred communication has strengthened how I show up with my business partner, Reena. When we’re navigating a complex decision, we don’t assume. We clarify, we restate we ask, “Is this what you mean?” and we make sure we are aligned before moving forward. I truly believe this one concept has saved marriages, friendships, and business relationships because so often, the issue isn’t intent, it’s interpretation.
So What Does This Mean for You?
Whether you’re a surrogate, an intended parent, a spouse supporting a surrogate, or even a business partner, take a moment to reflect:
How do you communicate, and how do you receive communication?
Do you prefer phone calls or text messages?
Do you speak directly, or do you soften your message and hope it lands?
Surrogacy is already an extraordinary, multi-facetted journey. Clear communication doesn’t remove every challenge, but it can prevent unnecessary ones from cropping up, and sometimes, simply choosing to say what we mean, kindly and clearly, is the most loving thing we can do for everyone involved.
At Embrace Surrogacy, we believe strong relationships are built long before embryo transfer. They are built in the conversations - the clear ones, the honest ones, and the brave ones, because when communication is intentional, connection follows.
