Telling My Kids About Surrogacy

When my husband and I decided to move forward with surrogacy, I was filled with excitement. We had signed with an agency, searched through profiles, and found our perfect couple. After all the testing and screenings, I was officially approved as a surrogate. Everything was becoming real.

We had grown close to the intended parents, two wonderful people we instantly connected with, and we were so hopeful about helping them build their family, but as much as this journey was about them, I also had to think about our family.

At the time, my boys were just four and six years old. I knew they’d see me pregnant and hear us talking about babies, but unlike their friends’ families, there wasn’t going to be a new baby joining our home. How could I explain something as big as surrogacy to children that young in a way they’d understand?

The First Conversation

After the embryo transfer and those joyful words “You’re pregnant!” I waited until the end of the first trimester before telling the boys. One afternoon, as they were playing with their toys, I called them over and gently explained that I was helping another family have a baby because they couldn’t do it on their own.

They looked at me, said “okay,” and went right back to their toys.

I laughed a little to myself. Parenting rarely goes according to plan, right? I realized they probably didn’t fully grasp what I meant. So, I tried again. I showed them a picture of the intended parents and explained that these were the people we were helping.

My youngest, who was four, gave the same “okay” and went back to his game. But my six-year-old paused, looked at the picture, and said, “Of course you’re helping them. They’re two boys, they can’t have babies.”

And then he walked away.

That moment stopped me in my tracks. I was surprised he understood that much about how babies come to be, but also so proud. He got it, even in his own simple way.

Keeping the Conversation Going

That first chat was just the beginning. Throughout the pregnancy, we talked more and more about what was happening. The boys met the intended parents on video calls, and I made sure to remind them often that the baby wouldn’t be coming home with us.

My youngest would sometimes slip up and say things like, “When the baby is here, we can…” and I’d gently remind him that the baby wasn’t ours to keep, we were just helping it grow.

To help them feel included, we gave the boys “jobs” to help take care of me so I could take care of the baby. They loved it! Kids like feeling important, and those small acts made them feel like part of something special.

As I got further along and more tired, they’d bring me a blanket, offer to help, or decide we could skip wrestling that day. It was sweet and heartwarming to see them step into those little helper roles.

Teaching Moments

We also found a children’s book that talked about all kinds of families, through adoption, foster care, surrogacy, and more. Our own family is pretty traditional: a mom, a dad, two kids, and two cats. (We still joke that we’re just missing the little girl and the dog!)

That book helped open their eyes to the idea that families come together in all kinds of ways, and that love is what makes a family, not just biology.

A Lasting Impact

At the end of my first surrogacy journey, we had the chance to meet the intended parents and their new baby in person. The boys got to see the baby they’d helped me care for in their own way. We took photos together, all of us, one big extended family, and said our goodbyes.

Even now, years later, my oldest sometimes talks about those babies as “partial siblings.” It’s his sweet way of keeping that connection alive.

Being a surrogate while raising young children was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. It gave me the opportunity to teach my kids about empathy, diversity, and the beauty of giving back. In a world that doesn’t always shine with kindness, they got to see firsthand what it means to help others in a profound way.

I’ll always be grateful for that first surrogacy journey, not only for the family we helped create, but for how it helped me become a better mom to my own boys.